yesterday, i was with the baby bitch. and i was talking aloud. mulling and contemplating about how my life is going. and baby bitch was doing the same. actually we were taking turns talking about our lives. we were not really complaining, just thinking aloud.

my realization - or rather my theories why i'm so hung up is that all these things are imposed on me. i mean its not my nature to be organized or orderly. it was brought upon me. i was "socialized" into being organized, orderly, punctual and industrious.

for one, i always make it a point to come on time and even ahead of time for meetings, get-togethers and the like. and when others are late, i get soooo irritated. and my analysis is that - its not my nature to be such but i trascend my natural instinct so i could be there on time and others won't do the same things. parang feeling ko, i'm being shortchanged. here i am, following the rules even if its not to my liking and so should others.

and thus my lonely existence. hindi ko alam kung ano ang itatawag ko sa sarili ko. lonely lacks something. there is something more to say about people like me who expect others to follow rules just because we do. we do not because we'd like to, but rather a learned response. learned from the way we were disciplined since birth. or rather since the day we learned to walk.

i don't know. used to be easy following a pattern. i used to be so organized with my life - schedules and all. i use to write down everything. from my day-to-day schedules to the budget i follow so strictly. now, i have to really push myself to do a budget and plan my activities. even if i know i have to work on a tight budget, i still couldn't force myself to sit down and map out my budget plan. i wanted spontaineity. i don't want my life to comply with my budget. i want to go out and enjoy my life. i want to be able to change my plans in a spur of a moment without remorse nor regrets.

is this what my friends used to tell me? that people don't change - they just become more of what they are. is this what i am? i'm beginning to think so. i'm beginning to think that i'm not such an orderly person. that i'm not that organized. i used to be spontaneous and carefree (or is that careless?) i'm tactless (still am?) and free-spirited. not the clamped down, hung up, principal-like (as in principal sa high school, the ms. tapia embodiment) person that i was brought up to be.

somehow, i've got to find that other me. the one who follows her heart and not what others dictate - a devil-may-care attitude (that me?). someone who's happiness does not depend on others.

where is she? or that really me? for all i know, i may just be kidding myself.