its a wonder how self-affirmation does a lot of good...just this morning, me spill-over ng bad feelings from yesterday...yeah, its the boss again. how i hated her...and how she makes me feel. like i'm worthless and unworthy of her benevolence.

now, instead of ranting and raving, i tried affirming my value. of being responsible for myself. and blaming no one for what i do or who i am. and that felt good. it feels good to affirm that my life is in my hands. whatever i do or feel...i am responsible for it.

and all i want to do right now is rant and rave. but that is just not possible. in fact, i have to stop this and get down to work. in a little while, my boss will be here. in about 5-10 minutes i think.

i wanted to talk about yesterday... who i've met and how it felt. but i'm so groggy i'd probably be able to finish my story in four hours the least. i have to think real hard for words that usually glides out of my mind to my hands and on paper or PC. not now i guess...later. or maybe tomorrow.

again...yesterday. i got into deep waters with a friend. or should i say an ex-friend? why would still be friends when her parting words were: good riddance! why oh why should i waste a second of my time thinking of wasted friendships. if were really friends to begin with.

i don't want to make excuses... i've had my share in this quarrel. but i'm not about to go back or take back what i've already said. life sucks when you cut ties. but it sucks even more when you hold on to something that isn't there...like friendship. parang pakitang tao lang ang pakikipag kaibigan dun sa ungas na iyon. okay lang... someday i might have to eat my words, but for now, i really am not making any efforts towards reconciliation.

nakakapagod din namang maging kaibigan ang isang iyon.

its a wonder what a smile could do, a hand held out in absolute trust.

yesterday while i was walking, a little boy smiled and reached out for my arms. i don't know why he did that, only that he trusted me. it feels good to be trusted. it feels good to see innocence.

i reviewed my blog in my other account... doesn't seem to contain any malicious thoughts. i'm being paranoid again - i think the lord might have read it. i used her PC when I checked my mails, must have left it open. but i am quite sure i logged off before i left. but did i? i did, i did... so why the ever haba nguso? its been what... 3 days since that eventful day when the lord asked for a miracle. i'm just a mortal. and mortal as i am, i have feelings too. what? don't i have the right to feel this way? that bitch.

this ever growing feeling of antagonism and hostility is killing me. i need to get out. out of here.

things doesn't always go as planned...

but sometimes the unplanned is better than what i have in mind. hmmm...like what? like i'm beginning to be more spontaneous? remember the budding friendship i mentioned last blog (that was a month ago?) - well, it's still budding but i guess it's growing. we'll see... this december, we're planning on going out of town, overnight. matuloy kaya? or will it just be another plan went awry?

i'm so excited just thinking of it - this is something i have not done before. go out with friends i really don't know much and somewhere out of manila. na excite ako sa prospect of going away, a respite from all the boredom i'm going throught right now. an escape. its not so much because of the company - but the idea. it's like running away.

work life is going to pick up anytime soon - in January to be precise, when preparations for that yearly event takes place. i don't think i'll ever be ready for that, in fact, i don't want to go through that again. not unless i'm going to get paid doing that. but the thing is... if i do it - i won't be getting any additional compensation for it. if i don't do it, they'll hire somebody and pay them triple my salary. that sucks! isn't that exploitation? its unfair. and the one they'll hire won't really do all the work - she'd just make utos. she'll get all the credits plus the remuneration to boot.

i think i'll check my other blog. see yah!

there is after all something to get excited about. for one, i've got a new set of friends... or at least a budding friendship. i really don't know yet how it will go, but at least i've got something to start things with.

we've had a few exchanges of views in print - it was okay. and then i've got a tentative schedule of hanging out with them. though one said she's not really allowed to go out in places we have mentioned. she only goes to this sosyal or classy places (at least that's how i see those places) for one, she's got a pure chinese blood and her parents are strict (that figures) but she can hang out if she goes out to those familiar places (familiar to her parents that is).

still bumming around... i've got work to do, just that i don't have the energy nor the will to do them. that is why to give them passers-by a notion that i'm actually working, here i am working on my blogger post. hehehe... at least i'm not surfing.. if that makes any difference.

well, they see me pounding away on the keyboard - that seems like working, yeah?

another day passing me by. i wonder why i'm always this lazy during fridays? like i just wanna bum...like what i'm doing now. hehehe... sometimes when i feel this way i think - maybe it's time to move on to another ground. not necessarily greener grounds, just different. here i go again. i wonder what i'd do on monday? tomorrow, i'd probably laze around the whole morning then leave for Q.C. in the afternoon and sleep over my father's house so me and my sisters could go together to the dentist the next day. that's a sunday! then i'd go home to mom. hectic weekend isn't it? got to get ready for it.

while waiting for my friends to come out... i got to open my blog.. why do i open this blog the last? dapat nga ito ang una kasi dito ako nag ra rant and rave about anything and everything that pisses me. i should have posted what happened last monday. i was so depressed over i think was an unjust accusation, but was able to get over it the next day. thanks to a friend who seems to always make me laugh. kahit hindi siya nagpapatawa. after a while of talking to her, okay na ulit ako. and i thought... i wouldn't let your mood or your unjust and unspoken accusations affect me. hehehe...unspoken pala paano ko nalaman? eh sa me third ear ako eh. if third eye can make you see what other people cannot see, then i have a third ear... kasi i can hear what others can not hear.. i can hear what other people don't verbalize but is actually thinking of... yeah! like that unjust accusation. i'm being stupid. it doesn't take much to know that a person is pissed off at you. unless that person is so super tupperware that you can't see it in their face what they're feeling.

on this case, i think she overdid it. like why don't she ask me first what or where did the problem came from instead of just assuming it was my fault? oh well... that was eons ago. actually, just 3days ago but it seems like it happened ages ago. ganun kasi ako, galit tapos wala na. ano nga sabi ng isang friend ko - galit titi. hehehe... matigas sa unang hirit tapos lalambot din agad. hahaha...

siya!

wish ko lang... hindi ma misinterpret ng isang tao ang aking post as some kind of a parinig. well it is but not for her.

oh no!!! got to really hurry lest i exceed the one hour i alloted to this... otherwise, mawawala na naman ako sa budget ko. as if... wala naman talaga sa budget ko ang expense na ito. for one, i could always access my account sa opis. yun nga lang i have to take chance na maaga magbubukas ang network.

oh well... ang gulo talaga ng isip ko. nang maka receive ako ng balita from that gal... naaligaga ako. tas eto na naman ako at iba ang iniisip. saka ko na lang kwento pag mahaba na ang oras ko dito sa aking blogger. on the other hand, i could always write my thoughts on paper diba and transfer na lang sa blog - o diba mas mabilis iyon?

ciao!

and i have to hope, once again

for that love to be requited

once again, i stare at nothing

holding on to nothing

not even a promise

and yet still hoping

it may have been nothing more

than just a passing thought,

a word to fill the gap, the silence

for a fool like me, that seems

like a rope of hope

and i cling to the rope.

sana hindi ako mahulog...

and i have to hope...

for a better day, for a better life

for someone to love and give love back

for that someone to love me back

such a hopeless thought, such a hopeless wish...

such a lame act... wishing and hoping

such a waste of time

there is really wisdom in keeping your mouth shut... when you are not sure or when you feel alone, lonely, depressed at pinagkakaisahan!

well... maybe it was just my imagination or she was really just not in the mood. this coming saturday na ang film showing. wish ko lang dumating yung mga nag commit dumating. if not..well, who's loss is it anyway?

i've been thinking... i should get a once a week job. like a part-time job that doesn't involve selling. something like a desk job. to make ends meet. pwede na kaya ang 4T a month? pwede na yun! basta magkaroon ng extra income.

hmmmm....whom can i turn to? to give me that break. i just learned, my sister who's teaching also works as a secretary to a club that gives her 4T a month salary. and they only meet once a week. think, think, think... what job... and who will give me that job?

if there's one thing that pisses me off (well actually there are a lot of things that pisses me off) its not knowing what you've done wrong and yet somehow feel or is made felt that i did something to piss another off.

i really don't know where it began. just this morning, we were kind of okay. then suddenly i was being ignored. how did i know, a lot of things - like not looking at me she kinda have a different mood when talking to me. she shifts moods... like she looks happy naman when she talks to anybody else (except me) and then she faces me with a long face. i don't know if i'm just being paranoid or too sensitive. for all i know, she may be going through a tough time. only... she wears that mood only when she talks to me.

whatever... have to go now. ít's almost five pm and my time was 4pm. on monday maybe, i'll just come in late or maybe leave early to go to school and get my grades. i was supposed to go today but things are not in it's right place right now.

what now? now what? i know that my apple has been writing to her friends... and i have yet to receive one from her. that's one for my ever active imagination. well, maybe she's just enjoying the attention and is not really interested. Maybe? maybe i should stop saying maybe...i should stop. Stop whatever hope my imaginings are taking me.

checked her friendster account and she just checked her account. no word from her there... anywhere,not even a post in the bulletin board. dedma... if i remember right, i did wrote her after she left. and i told her to keep in touch. naghihintay na naman yung gagah na ako na naman ang magsimula ng communication. dapat kung love ko talaga siya, i won't let this get in the way of reaching out. but noooo... i have to make this an issue. bakit ako na lang nang ako ang nagsisimula? why can't she ever make the first move? BECAUSE... and get this in your thick skull --- she's NOT interested. gets? kaya kung ako sa akin, i'd get the hell out there and find me someone who is interested and also interesting of course. DARN!

what now? now what? i know that my apple has been writing to her friends... and i have yet to receive one from her. that's one for my ever active imagination. well, maybe she's just enjoying the attention and is not really interested. Maybe? maybe i should stop saying maybe...i should stop. Stop whatever hope my imaginings are taking me.

checked her friendster account and she just checked her account. no word from her there... anywhere,not even a post in the bulletin board. dedma... if i remember right, i did wrote her after she left. and i told her to keep in touch. naghihintay na naman yung gagah na ako na naman ang magsimula ng communication. dapat kung love ko talaga siya, i won't let this get in the way of reaching out. but noooo... i have to make this an issue. bakit ako na lang nang ako ang nagsisimula? why can't she ever make the first move? BECAUSE... and get this in your thick skull --- she's NOT interested. gets? kaya kung ako sa akin, i'd get the hell out there and find me someone who is interested and also interesting of course. DARN!

if there's one thing that i really hate, it's not knowing what i should feel.

one moment i wanted to be free from responsibilities and when that came up, i felt abandoned naman. so what am i talking about?

it's like this... i bought a house. my mom came to live with me along with her pets. now that was okay except that it cramped my style. now i feel i'm burdened because i have to go home everynight because she might get sad or something.

then she left, i've got 4 days of independence. except that she left her cat to my care. that means no hanging out or night out with friends. got to get home to the cat.

then... my brother called to say they'll be getting the cat because our mom will stay with my other brother but they'll be leaving my dog (another story why it's with my other brother)in my care. now that pissed me off... and i can't help but really get mad at my brother. so i gave it to him - yeah! really poured... then i texted my mom to tell her they can't leave askie with me because i'll be gone for 2 days. and i already told her that. she called to tell me she forgot. but they'd do something about askie na lang.

so where does the feeling come in? you guess... at first i was burdened with the responsibility. and when my mom decides to stay with my brother i got the feeling that i'm such a bad daughter. i felt sad not because i'd be alone but because i felt that i was not good enough for her. or maybe i've hurt her feelings. which i think i did. i hate this feeling - torn between feeling bad with the way they treat me and feeling bad with the way i retaliate. this has got to stop somewhere. and it has to stop now.

by the way, my friend whom i've been missing so much finally sent me a message. she's finally coming home. i mean coming to manila. not exactly what i prayed for but then again it might be the answer to my prayers. God works in so many ways.

and this thing with my mom and brother...there's got to be a lesson in this for me. i hope i learned it quick, i hate feeling this way.

with only 17 minutes to spare..ooppps... make that 16 minutes before my time is up - what could i say? one, i'm sure glad that the testimonial of that bitch is gone (shyet, naiirita ako!) and secondly, i wonder why am i feeling this way?

finally, i got a "date" with the girl i've been eyeing for the longest time. well, in an on and off fashion. i'm not sure kasi if i wanted to pursue her or not. nothing's sure. better na siguro na ganito ang feeling ko kaysa naman giddy and excited tapos wala lang naman pala sa kanya yun.

maybe... i shouldn't expect anything. tama naman yun, except that i kept on thinking about her each waking hour. sa gabi, napipigil ko pa sarili ko. then i find myself thinking of her pag kagising ko. between the conscious and the unconscious, i would often catch myself dreaming of holding her... etc...=)

ei! i have a new phone already. i was supposed to post my thoughts last, last week... when was that? ummm... this first weekend of august. when i was having a fit, feeling depressed and so lonely, i let myself be entertained with a purchase of a cellphone. no regrets... only -- now i have dipped into my savings, i will have to find ways to save again... bills are just around the corner.

11 minutes to go... what else should i post? wait na lang... i'll keep you posted on what happened this week. next week she says... i wonder when next week? will it be a wednesday or a thursday? whatever... i need to go home early. ay! paano kaya iyon? wala pala ang aking ina? sino ang magpapakain sa pusa? letseng pusa... hindi ba pede wag siya kumain ng isang araw lang? hehehe... ask ko nga si nanay if i can feed that darn cat in the morning and then the next morning na ulit?

9 minutes to go... got to use that remaining minute to shut this down. bye!

when it rains it pours... and they usually come in three's.  last is supplied by my cousin.

i guess there's some truth in this.  last sunday, i missed 2 buses to cavite. then my father was confined for a surgical procedure and to top it all, my brother insists that my mom move in with me right away.

i was thinking, i could have some time with my house before my mom moves in with me.  you know, get a feel of being alone, owning this darn house, getting the feel... then my brother comes and ruin it all.  i'm not saying i don't want her to move in with me.  it's a given thing.  the thing is... i needed to establish my space before another's presence is imposed on me.

that's how i feel about this whole moving in thing.  i used to think i'll be living alone. independently.  then i thought, okay mom can live with me.  then maybe i could move in ahead of her.  then along came the brother... darn!

my father's condition - i don't want to worry about that. since i can't do anything about it.  i don't have the resources to chip in the expenses.  all i could do is spread the news to his siblings and hope that maybe they'll chip in to shoulder part of the expense.  i wish!

another thing... if my job is in danger, maybe i should start looking for a source of income somewhere.  there's this job at the hospital. only, i'm afraid i'll get bored with it and end up being so stagnated.  of course there are other means to get my brain working.  i could enrol again for my masteral (for whatever purpose it will serve), brush up on my skills (like what?) or just watch a movie. or take up a hobby. or volunteer for a social development work. hmmm... so many options.  so little time.  my sister told me there are times i'd be required to work on saturdays or sundays.  but my off will be transferred to weekdays.  sounds fun?  hmmmm... not if all my friends get their day offs on weekends.

oh well, it's almost six pm and i have to find my prof. better get something to eat first.

ay! nga pala i saw my barkada from way back (highschool)... mag reunion daw kami.  yun lang.  i wonder what the future has in store for me?

just this morning (or was it afternoon?) i was wishing for a 3100. guess what? jaypogi offered me his cell for 4000. kaya lang 3530... tinawaran ko ng 3T ayaw ibigay. hehehe... if that cell is meant for me, i guess he'll reconsider my offer of 3500.

here i am...getting all excited at the prospect of finally... getting that elusive piece of shit that is an all important paper for the bureaucracy. the one that would say, hey! this gel's an educated one. the hell... pero ha? na excite talaga ako. kasi with all the hazzles i've been through, i'd finally be through. shyet... what could be more exciting? ummm... moving into my new home? the one i could finally call mine?

that was the longest wait... thanks to my brother. and i think i really have to thank him. imean appreciate what he's done for me. only, i kept thinking... he's not doing this for me. it's because our mom will live with me and that is why he has to help with the house. whatever.

isa na lang ang kulang - partner for life.

ay! meron pa pala... a business that could save me if and when that rationalization scheme gets in place. i can't help but feel excited about something... parang merong mangyayaring maganda sa buhay ko na magbabago ng takbo ng buhay ko ngayon. grabe! ito kaya ang epekto ng pagkakahuli ko sa wakas ng aming elusive professor? at parang suddenly i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. naks! cliche!

till next

what can i say? here i am staring on an empty white space waiting for my thoughts to pour. then again, i guess i'll have to postpone another rumination for another day. i'm not inclined to think of the past and ruminate on why my life's been going haywire lately. or maybe i'm doing all right. otherwise, i'll be ranting and raving here... oh well... just one thing, i'm missing my friend who's in a far,far away land... wish she'd get in touch anytime soon. miss her.

ei! tomorrow's my mom's bday. do you think its time to get that cellphone already? i'd be moving in my new house any time now... i'm anticipating expenses... but then again... oh hell, i can't decide. things come to those who wait they say. so i wait. hehehe... who knows? someone might give me a cell. wish!

i've always thought i was right brain dominant. now after reading that book "awakening your intuition" i wonder if i'm left brain after all. like i really can't appreciate art that much and i'd rather read and write rather than draw and appreciate the arte. i'm always conscious of what's moral and not, always trying to organize things the way i think they should be organized. i can't stand ambiguity -- and that's the truth.

right-brain dominant people can tolerate ambiguity. so that's it for my illusions of being right-brained. i definitely needed something i could put my fingers on and that better be clear and not a bit vague. but, as the book said, left-brained people can be intuitive too. and that's my rationale in saying i'm right-brained (my being intuitive, and sometimes i do rely on my gut feel). in a lot of situation, i often say what other people are thinking and i often sing songs running in other people's head. at one time, i suddenly blurted out: it's been a long time since i last experienced an earthquake. the next day, there was an earthquake. some friend told me meron daw akong sumpa. i don't really curse, i just say or rather blurts things out and it happens. i wanted to hone that talent if i only know where my intuition is coming from.

but i'm sentimental too... i often feel depressed and anxious (we usually process bad experience using the right brain. left brain only hears positive things)- mahaba pa tong usapang ito. sige, sa susunod i'll make kwento about what's happening in my social (hehehe) and love life. as if there's any.=)

i hope this gets published...

ano ba bago sa buhay ko? ummm...me bago akong kakilala, she's from the USA (balikbayan) and she'll be leaving on June 30. ang bilis... not enough time to get to know her more.

she gave me her cell no. so that means i have to get a new cell so i could text or maybe call her. wala akong masabi...

in a way, buti na rin at wala akong cellphone. this morning (at about 1:30 - 2:00 am) our jeep was hold-upped. they took our wallets, except for one of our companion who doesn't have one, kinuha yung cellphone niya.

now, i hope i'd never,ever,ever encounter anything like that ever again. wish!

how many days since my phone left me? two weeks? three? lost count. losing a phone is like losing a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. it takes getting used to. alam mo ba yung feeling na pagpasok ng bedroom you expect to see somebody there and then get really disappointed because you realized that she/he's not there anymore? ganun lagi ang nangyayari sa akin this past days... i go inside the room na ang iniisip ay: may text kaya ako? tapos bigla mare realize kong wala na pala akong cell phone. alam ko namang wala na akong cell pero may anticipation lagi na tignan ang text message pag pasok ko ng room. kasi madalas dun ko siya iwan. di ko naman bitbit lagi cell phone ko... hay! siguro kung di this week, next week bibili na ko.

sad... nalaman ko may girl na si aaliyah. actually, i need to send her a message pala. ano ang sasabihin ko? ay! sayang, you're in a relationship na pala. baket? eh urong-sulong naman ako... besides, maybe that time when friends were trying to meet us up she's already seeing somebody. eh kung kelan lang naman iyon.

it's almost 7pm. i guess i have to go na... next time na lang yung post ko regarding my ruminations about the parallelism of cell phones and relationships. hehehe...

everytime i hear a phone beep, i resist the urge to look in my bag to see if i've got message...waaahhh!!! i don't have a cel anymore. kaya ko to! i keep on saying. maybe i'll try not having any means of mobile communication device for a while. a month i said to myself. i wonder if i'd last that long.

i guess it's like losing a friend or getting out of a relationship. it takes getting used to. i'm so used to having a device that could connect me to friends and relatives near and far.

what was life before my cellphone? i got by naman... di naman ako nasiraan ng ulo. ang hirap lang sa technology, once you get to use one - parang you can't live without one anymore. well, mahirap nga. kasi i have to take a chance everytime i got out. like who will i see at the school? nobody - if i'd have my cell, i could text somebody and would know. as it is, i have to spend more than 50 bucks for my transportation for nothing. not really nothing... nothing happens for nothing - my favorite quote. for whatever it may mean, coming to school kinda boost my morale and helped me decide (magpasya?)to really take that much needed leave so i could finally face my graduation requirements. i needed to get this out of the way...

ayun! pag may direction akong gustong puntahan, nawawala ang interest ko magkaroon ng lovelife. bad... not entirely nawawala just relegated to the background. mukhang yung isa lang ang willing to pursue me.

yesterday, she called kasi nga i texted everyone i cared to text that i'll be giving up my cell so i could not text them anymore until i got another one. that afternoon, she called just to say hi and i find that so sweet... kakainis. she's the black horse among the three i'm interested in. mukhang sa kanya ako mahuhulog ah! sana lang, sure na ko. based on what her friend told me she's been through a lot of hearthaches already and i don't want to be one in the line up.

why is it that my one prime consideration in entering a relationship always includes the economic? actually, before i even knew aaliyah's story, i thought i wanted her even if i have to be the one to feed her. now i know how financially independent she is, parang na insecure naman ako. like, grabe iba ito...now, with this cat i have to be ensured that she won't be dependent on me, financially. pero unti-unti, hindi na nagiging mahalaga iyon. why? i'm so smitten with people who shows kindness and sweetness towards me. let me not be blinded by this i pray... oh well...

it's time to go... i have to feed the dogs and cat pa. what will i buy kaya?

did i say aaliyah is more abot-kaya? what was i thinking? napaka kahon ko talaga mag-isip. actually, di ko lam why i said that. we've been exchanging emails and just this morning, i learned more about her. and guess what i learned. never mind. just that she was not the kind of person that her "friends" pictured her to be. how did her friends picture her? as someone shy, timid and kinda weak. now where did i get that idea? being silent does not mean weak - i should know. and to think that she once got into a "love triangle" situation, at siya ang may other woman - how could i picture her the way i did? anyway, sige - let me get to know her better...

i've got three "friends" right now na potentials. hehehe... sige, bahala na. ika nga eh nasa getting to know each other pa naman. i should not rush anything right now. take things easy ba? ano nga ba yung sinabi sa akin ni malmag dati - let things be... now it's more clear how "to let things be" - ibig pala sabihin ay do what ever you have to do and see if things develop and NOT do nothing and see if things develop. ganun ginawa ko eh... malay ko ba?

i kinda like this new look...cool!

alone again and bored. what is this feeling that keeps on creeping up on me? while i was travelling this morning, i was thinking - what my life is all about. sabi ng alter ego ko - enjoy life! waldasin ang pera. para saan ba at nagsa save ako? ano ang pinaghahandaan ko?

everything is temporary... all things are in transient (dat correct?). so why should i buy shoes that will lasta a lifetime? why should i save and build on something when i don't have anybody to pass it on to?

when i'm feeling this way... it's time to either move on or find something of interest or something that will make me feel like discovering new things. my life is on a lull, a plateau... what else could i call the stage/phase i'm going through?

there's some good news though... my aunt is sending me money for my house and kuya's taxi. whichever comes first in my brother's list of important things. anyway, the money goes to kuya-just hope he finishes what he's been doing in june. gusto ko nang makalipat.

so here i am again, wondering who the hell is beth. baseless are my fears. jealousy springs from insecurities i feel. and why would i not feel this way? with so much going on for her, why would she even take a look at my direction and maybe feel something like... like... or maybe think something like... i could have a future with that girl.

this sucks. just yesterday night, i was thinking of apple and aaliyah... which one excites me more, which one i feel more for. funny that i should be making a choice when there's really no choice to make.

it's raining... and it looks like it won't be stopping any sooner...

i really shouldn't be thinking about these things right now. what i should actually be doing is finishing my papers and getting it out of my way so i can start looking for better opportunities.

bahala na nga...

and i have to add another to my list of probabilities...

i still have yet to make any progress with any of my two prospects at ito namomrospect na naman ako. ika nga, the more the merrier.

i guess that goes the same for career paths and life time goals. mahirap ang sabay-sabay kasi kalat-kalat ang effort. it's either you give more to one and neglect the other. in my case, i haven't been doing any real effort. you know, i just kinda wait for them to come to me. as if they will...

i'm such a sucker for women in distress... parang this has happened before. women in bad relationships, coming to me for comfort, me falling for them, and them falling for somebody else. shyeeet... parang tema sa isang pelikula ito ah?! dapat gumawa na ko ng book - the cycle of falling for fallen women. ngyeh! tama ba yun? in the tradition of the cycle of violence. hmmm....

development? i think it was.. until i learned that there's somebody else hovering over the apple of my eyes... ay nakow! will this ever end? lagi na lang may karibal. si aaliyah kaya? well for one, tinigilan na ko ng friends niya ng kaka match making. and i've learned that she's not that young naman pala.

o my gosh!!! ang gulo ko talaga... i was going through my past posts, and there it was - i was vacilating between apple and aaliyah... well, kasi sobrang attractive nitong si aaliyah and i thought she's too young for me. until i learned the trutch. or at least half of it. hehehe... so bumaling ako kay apple. which was my first choice talaga. kaso... there's this other girl... eh ayoko ng ganun. ewan ko!

if she's interested then i'm not (tsaring!) - what i really want to do is fight her nail and tooth. oh! sorry, let me give that girl a name. how about bella? as in bella flores? kasi kontrabida siya sa lovelife ko. sabunutan ko kaya? she is so mean... why do i say so? kasi she knows how i feel and she drops hints that they (apple and she) are cozy like you know, intimate. she did not say it straight but that's just how i read things are between them whenever she opens her mouth.

but... and here is the big BUT... i maybe putting too much into her words and action that is not really there. baka ako lang naman ang nag i interpret ng mga ito. knowing me - i'm such a drama queen. pinalalaki what is not really there. like i create my own monsters.

ei! in defense of me -- 90 percent of the time my intuition or gut feel is right. kawawa naman ako, ako na ang nag ko cross exam sa sarili ko, ako rin ang nagde defend... i hope there's someone out there who will defend me. there is... and she IS out there. miss her na. tagal naman niyang bumalik...

will i wait for a lifetime for apple to notice me? or should i go for aaliyah who seems also interested? i may not be reading this right... but i think apple is also interested. i just don't know if its the romantic kind of interest or she's just in need of another friend. as if she doesn't have tons already...

serendipity... i believe that there will come a time that that things will happen and when it does, it will be at a time when i'm really sure of how i feel. or maybe not... maybe something will happen that will make me realize just how i feel for both of them. isa lang talaga dapat. mukhang easy target si aaliyah... si apple hard to get... i think i'm being unfair to aaliyah... i should not think that way about her. just because she's lonely eh easy target na? ang bad ko... if i'm ever going after her, it's goodbye apple forever...

naka alis na rin ako sa letseng bahay na iyon. here i am again, ranting and raving about something that i just can't do anything about. ito yung other side of self-pity - sour graping. so i think i should just drop it and go on with my life.

is there something new brewing? yep! it's my imaginary lovelife and social life. o di ba? me love na me social pa?

so what's new with me life - i moved out of hellhouse and moved in with... i haven't got a name for it yet. in a month maybe... i don't think it'll be anywhere near hellhouse. hirap talaga ng hindi nagkakaintindihan at super supressed and repressed people. kung ano-ano ang nakikita sa iba, hindi tignan ang mga sarili.

stop! sour graping lang naman ako eh... diba sabi ko move on?

so i did moved on. literally, lumipat na ko ng bahay. although i have to go back and pick up a few things i left there pa. isn't that exciting? i'll be travelling from that far flung place to the office everyday of my life. or until that special girl of mine reciprocates the feelings and we moved in together. saan kaya kami titira? hehehe...

daming possibilities... then there's aaliyah (that's my pet name for her)- a new girl in town whose got the looks and the groove. ummm... but she doesn't measure up to my apple. pero, potential. in case pagulungin ako ni apple, me alternative. i'm not beeing an eel... just exploring the possibilities and probabilities. i don't want to be alone. who wants that? and every relationships need work. goes the same for working into a new relationship.

of course i still prefer apple. kaya nga apple of my eyes siya... sana mahalin din niya ko. as it goes, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang standing ko. pano, di ko pa rin naman tinatanong. in fairness sa akin... di ko rin naman pinopormahan si aaliyah noh! crush material but i'm not pursuing her... yet. until i get dumped by apple at least. or until i get to say how i feel... and i get dumped. hehehe... para kasing out of my league si apple - hard to reach. kaya hindi ako magkalakas ng loob magtapat. shyeet, ertop talaga!

oh well, a lot has taken place and i believe and feel that my life is taking on a new course for the better. i feel a new career move in my life, i feel a promotion... new friends, new love....new problems/challenges that will make me grow into a better person. naks! feeling optimistic talaga ako ngayon. is this what lack of sleep does? yung nawawala sa huwisyo ang tao at nag i illussion?

i think the rain stopped...i wonder why it's raining so early this month? it's still supposed to be summer. nope, not complaining... got my umbrella here. sana naman hindi siya masira agad kasi sobrang mahal niya no? as in 200 +.

yung barely breathing blog, dapat i delete na... la naman nagpo post dun eh. nakakainis lang.

my social life... me bago akong friends. though hindi pa naman kami ganun ka close. i miss my bestfriend kong bianing. one constant in my life... i hope she remains in my life for a long time pa. miss her na...

sa palagay mo, sino kaya yung nagpadala ng mail sa akin? ay oo, i remembered, yung taga noel101.

sobrang kilig ako kanina, kasi i got a message from somebody i really, really like. i mean a door was opened, i think...will she come in or will she just pass the door?

kanina, i'm feeling poetic. i'm kinda pathetic these past days kasi i can't compose my own poem. i used to do that - pro ngayon, nada. kaya ayun, panay ang copy and paste ko ng poems ng iba. sana maramdaman niya.

here comes the feelings again... fear. she may not be able to accept all the things i am.

ay naku! saka na nga makapag post pag wala nang istorbong ym. ang ingay eh.

napaka baduy ng pangalan ng blog ko. thinking aloud... parang meron nang ganitong name somewhere eh.

i'm on the brink of something new. it always is like this whenever it's time for a change. tamad na tamad akong bumangon. like nothing is ever exciting. i go to work dragging my feet. i don't feel the same zest as i used to. maybe it's the lull between working so hard and in a fast paced and then finding myself suddenly na mabagal ulit ang takbo ng buhay...

love comes in a most unexpected place. what's more, it not who you thought it would be. like last night, i was thinking of this girl i just met - i'd call her julia (pretty woman? get it?). i was like playing with the thought of her in my mind and fell asleep. woke up at 30 min. past 12 and she's still on my mind. can't go back to sleep so i lighted an incense that says it should put me to sleep. sleep i did. and woke up a feeling differently. is this just one of those passing things? i don't know, but the thought of her excites me.

o ayan, meron nang something exciting sa buhay ko. i think i'd better do something with my life. like what? i need to be fulfilled so that hindi lang siya panakip butas sa walang katorya-toryang buhay ko. parang lahat ng mga lalaking nagdaan sa buhay ko. mga panakip-butas. hehehe... well literally and figuratively - like they fill a hole when i've got nothing to do, when there seems to be nowhere to go and my life sucks. but when things pick-up, eh di goodbye.

now i'm thinking.. what can i offer her? i'd like for her to be the queen of my life. i need a job (or something) that would be the source of our living. ngyehh! i'm thinking of making her my wife. ano kaya tawag sa akin? i'm definitely not a butch... but when i think of her, all the tender feelings, like i want to feed her, protect her and love her comes to the fore.

not just another feeling i hope. not just one of those transcient things as all things have come to be in my life - friends, lovers, jobs, interests and the like. am i glad i did not go into any relationships before i met her. now, what next? should i just wait in vain and let serendipity take place? hindeeee...pag nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon i will let her know. that is - kung... and eto ang fate/destiny/serendipity's role. will there be a chance on earth that we will see each other again? or that maybe that chance we could work together? work... yes work. there is nothing else i could think of that could better let me know another than work. compatibility sa attitude sa work is one important thing/value for me. yoko ng tamad.

ang gulo ko. one moment i was ecstatic sa development about somebody who i've been eyeing for the longest time, then nakarinig lang ako ng balita about another person who caught my eye just recently - nagbago na naman ang ihip ng hangin. biglang wow! siya naman ang gusto ko. ang gulo ko...

kaya siguro wala pa kong syota hanggang ngayon. eh hirap naman kasi... i've been trying to catch her eyes, her interest for the longest time. eh sala sa init, sala sa lamig. di ko malaman if i'm making progress or not. i think she likes me too and then she doesn't. not that i asked her na... ang torpe ko! kainis. it's just that i can't think of anything to say when she's around. ang kulit ko naman pag iba ang kaharap ko.

i've been thinking, what if i go and ask her if she likes me? and then she goes like, yes but not romantically speaking - basag naman ako nun!

this other gal, she's pretty ha? the other is not...though sobrang appeal sa akin. this pretty gal, i just met. sort of... i hope she remembers me - pinakilala lang in passing. hindi naman niya ko tinitignan -- wala naman siyang dating katulad ni gerl no.1. then i got a good look at her when she's not looking (i mean stare-which she doesn't see kasi she's so spaced out), pretty pala siya. hindi lang pretty-i think she's gorgeously pretty. hindi lang nag ayos. then i heard she's in a relationship na. so wala lang, i'm still pinning for this gerl#1 naman. and then somebody told me she'd just came out of a relationship. wow! para kong nanalo sa sweepstakes. biglang natuwa ang puso ko. shyet. gulo ko talaga. sino ba talaga? and if i choose anyone of them, would they return the way i feel?

maybe not. and that's the chance i'm so afraid to take. yoko na ata mabasted. omigosh! omigosh! i think... well, i should think. maybe this holy week should give me the right perspective. what if... nah! i wanted to go to Bicol sana but they'll be staying there like forever. i can only stay for a night and then be a slave for 2 more days before i can retire for 5 days.

Death is a woman in flowing white robe
with lips so soft and hands so tender

she tales your cares, your pain and troubles away,
in her arms you'll find rest

fear her not for what she brings
is respite from all these things.

i got up not knowing why i had to... naalala ko, meron pala akong klase.

ang sakit ng braso ko at likod. siguro nabigla sa pag weights ko ng hindi man lang ng warm up.

habang naghahanda para sa pagpasok, naisip ko ang aking professor
paano ba ko makaka survive ng isang araw ng lecture?

aantukin na naman ako. at ang pinaka nakakainis sa sitwasyong ito ay hindi ako makatulog...

masarap sanang bumalik sa higaan, akapin ulit ang aking unan pero hindi... hindi ako ganun.

masokista ako eh. kailangang pumasok, makinig sa lecture, antukin at piliting wag matulog habang nakikinig

oo nga pala, finals din daw namin ngayon. buti na lang at natauhan yung prof. namin - naisip din siguro niyang walang papasa pag nagpa exam siya.

kaya eto ko ngayon, may sasaguting isang module na katumbas ng 6 na buwan na lecture (o isang sem)sa loob ng isang buwan.

antok na ko...

wala muna... under construction lagay ko daw. sama...ganda ko, sexy pa...