lazy sunday morning

sarap pala mag internet sa umaga...as in 5am. kasi wala akong kaagaw sa airwaves. aba! yung pagkabagal na internet connection ko ay naka-konek sa FB! eh kahapon laging nagpe page load error. ngayon ang bilis...i mean mabilis sa usual. hindi naman hi-speed sya kumunek.

anyway, sa bagal at paputol-putol na koneksyon ko, nakalimutan ko na kung ano ang ipagre reflect ko sana para ipost dito. oh well...since its gone, i'd better be gone too.

just a thought - i've been sleeping alone for the past one week and 2 days, i wonder if my mom will still be coming back. i have an inkling that she'd rather stay in laguna than be back here and live with somebody like me - i know, i'm not an easy person to be with. moreover to live with. unless pareho tayo ng wavelength. and i thing there are people much like me. tsk! tsk! tsk! the morning light's here...at baka na na naman akong i drop ng aking koneksyon. unahan ko na!!!

writer's block

whenever i'm commuting or somewhere i can't immediately get a pen and write, i think of a lot of things to write about. and whenever i have the time (like now) to sit down and put thought to ink (computer?),i can't think of anything to write about.

pala-palagay ko.

sa palagay ko hindi dapat tumakbo si noynoy sa pagka presidente sa darating na election.

sa palagay ko, hindi dapat i claim ni ronnie puno ang women's desk, kasi hindi naman nanggaling sa kanya ang initiative ng pagtatayo nun.

sa palagay ko, hindi dapat tanggaping friends sa FB or FS or for that matter - any social networking sites - ang mga bossing. kasi malalaman nila ang mga kalokohan mo.eh ikaw ba? magagawa mong magpost ng sama ng loob kung alam mong mababasa ng boss mo?

ang level ng importance ng isang bagay ay depende sa gamit o value nito sa tao. importante ba sa iyo? siguro may gamit sya sa buhay mo. pero ikaw lang ang pwedeng magsabi kung ano ang importante sa buhay mo o hindi. pero hindi mo pwedeng sabihin na ang importante sa iyo ay importante din sa ibang tao.

maricar

heard over the radio - that maricar is doing fine and is riding the waves of her new found popularity. the sex scandal video made maricar a household name. and she's basking in it. well..according to the dj.

if its true, then good for her. she's showing everyone that its not the end of the world for her. but not to say that katrina should do the same. well...in time, she'll be over it and has got something to show for it. katrina felt violated. and i'd say she did the right thing to fight back.

maricar on the other hand, i congratulate. and salute for going on as if nothing happened. and if what happened left her with no scar, i'd say good for her. maybe she knew about the video and don't mind. maybe she don't but still don't mind.

katrina i salute for continuing the fight, not only for herself but for other women. i'm just hoping that her fight won't be for naught. let it pave the way for a stronger law/policy that protects women from abuse of this kind.

katrina vs chacha

i received a text message calling people to act on the attempt by the congress to change the consti. and the message goes like this:

nung naVideo sina hayden at katrina, lahat tayo interesado! pero ngayong ginagahasa ang demokrasya sa Kongreso, dedma lang ba tayo?...hanggang showbiz na lang ba talaga ang Pilipino? Lets join anti-chacha rally sa ayala this thurs. afternoon!

instead of inciting me to rebel, this text message came as insulting. first, it was not just showbiz chismis. the katrina case is not just something superficial as that. and it should be a cause of concern. it is not just an isolated incident. in fact, before this, there were sex videos of women and girls drugged and raped. and did this incite anyone of us to act? nope. it took someone as katrina - a showbiz personality, to create a stir. to call our attention to this despicable act. its an act of violence against women. as ncrfw's statement goes: its a commodification/objectification of women. women are seen as objects to satisfy a need. not people with feelings that could be hurt. certainly not human with rights that could be violated.

the katrina-hayden case did more than just rouse interest. it brought to the forefront the emotional and psychological violence being committed against women. it was also an eye opener. that our existing laws are not enough to protect the women especially in this vulnerable situation. we all know that what happened was wrong. but we lack the legal basis to punish the wrongdoers.

it came as insulting because the sender did not think that the receiver has her own mind to know where to stand. as if the only stand is against cha-cha. (and just to get that out of the way, I AM AGAINST CHACHA). hanggang showbiz na lang ba ang pinoy? says who? hello? edsa 1 and 2? remember?

is the rape of one person less important than charter change? isn't the charter there to protect the individual? the individual that constitutes the constituents? the individual whose voice is as important as anyone elses? isn't that the essence of democracy? that every voice should be heard?

i could only surmise that the one who composed this message is someone who thinks that women's issues are non-issue. and that person could only be one with the people who thinks women are objects and are second-class citizens. who cares about their rights? right?

and to quote a friend "kelan ba naging importante ang babae?" this was her reaction when students of PUP rallied against the government on the ZTE issue when there was a girl gang-raped right inside their campus. we didn't hear anything from the PUP activists. maybe because they thought to wait for the outcome of the investigation. so how come they were able to form their position while the ZTE case was still being heard? ang bilis nilang magdesisyon sa mga political issues. ay...pero hindi importante ang isang babae na ni-rape sa loob mismo ng campus. importante rin syempre...pero hindi kasing importante ng national political issues. charity begins at home. so does change.

eh ano ba ang halaga ng global or national issues kundi naman natutugunan ang mga issues ng maliliit na individual? nakatingin lagi sa langit, hindi makita ang mga nasa ilalim ng tungki ng mga ilong nila.

ano ang silbi ng pananahimik?

what good is keeping mum about something that everyone knows about? or almost everyone. like the sex videos of katrina halili and maricar reyes. and another brazilian girl.

during the senate hearing, kho was asked if katrina and maricar knows anything about the sex videos, that they are being filmed. to which kho responded - he don't want to involve maricar in this issue since she opted to keep silent.

so what good is silence? what good is keeping mum about something that everybody is already talking about? what damage control can be done by not saying anything? nothing. she would only contribute to slowing down the process. everyone who watched katrina and kho's videos also watched maricar's and kho's sex videos. what does she have to lose? nothing. what will she gain? a lot. for one, she will pave the way to other women's protection against the khos and erics of the world. that these deeds should not go unpunished. that they should have second thoughts about doing these things because they will pay the price. and life shouldn't be too easy on people like them. besides, it will really help her a lot, pscyhologically and emotionally, to know that she fought back and not cowered in silence.

its an uphill struggle for katrina. and i'm cheering her on. hoping she would continue the fight. and let this be a lesson to all ye men.

one month after

i still get the jitters whenever i hear something crash or drop, or hear something (a cat maybe) walking on my roof. but i'm sleeping better now. and able to think more clearly and reason with myself whenever i hear something at night, i would just remind myself that everything's okay and that we won't be caught by surprise. it would take sometime before someone gets in.

life threatening situation - whether true or just a perception - has a way of changing people's priorities. i know mine did. just what changes are those? for one, safety is more important. so whenever i feel that i'm not safe, like when i commute going home, i go down the bus. it doesn't matter if i already paid. money can be earned, we only have one life to live. not to say i'd spend at a drop of a hat. on the contrary, i have learned that i need to save some in emergency cases like in situations like that attempted break-in. it is fortunate that i have someone (my eldest brother) who is more than willing to help me in times like these. and i thank God for him.

i also learned the importance of having friends, and being in good terms with my neighbors. and of course, i'm thankful that i was not alone at that time. though my mom was not able to do anything but panic and cry, it would have been more difficult for me if i was alone at that time.

everything happens for a reason. and what happened helped me see things and people in a different perspective.

on sex videos and diaries

hayden kho's defense that the sex videos he took are like his diary where one takes notes of events in their life.

the thing is, diaries are written after an event not during. whereas the sex videos are taken during. and the taking of videos are planned - premeditated if you please. nakakainis lang na ang nagsabi pa ng ganitong defense ay ang kanyang defense lawyer who claims to be an advocate of women's rights.

sucks!

looking back

i realized that the police, the barangay and the rest of the male population (and some female) would think that the felons tried to break in my house because they knew there was no man in that house.

while i was giving my statement to the local officials (barangay), they asked me where is my husband and why is he not home. i told them i don't have any. they don't seem to understand and repeated the question. does your husband work night shifts? no. i told them. where is he? they insisted. i told them no, i don't have a husband. ohhh...they chorused. so that's why...why what? why i was burglarized? i was too shaken at that time to argue or even start a lecture or debate.

at the police station, the same question was asked. asan ang asawa mo? the police inspector asked. i said - wala. wala? he asked? where is he? i told him: wala akong asawa. i forgot the next thing he said. because by this time, my abdomen is aching from stress. its 3am and i'm still out in my pajamas giving statement after statement.

are men deterrent in the commission of crime? that in the first place are almost always committed by men too? maybe. maybe those crooks thought women are easy prey. on the other hand, male headed households in our area were also burglarized.

some of my friends and relatives told me to get a dog - a big, mean-looking dog to scare off those felons. so which one is it - a dog or a man?

Holy Week Trauma

on april 8, at about 1am. i heard a crash, i thought what happened? maybe nanay was going through the kitchen and just as i was thinking that when she called to ask what am i doing? i ran down and saw that our kitchen louver was crashed. there was a hole in the kitchen wall.
i was so shocked and so afraid i could barely breath and talk. i could feel my something in my throat while i was attempting to tell nanay that somebody's trying to break in our house. realizing what's going on, nanay started to cry.
i ran to her and held her and told her not to cry. we'll ask for help. i called kuya rollo using nanay's cellphone. but it was not answered. then i called marlyn's number. it was unattended. i texted kuya and marlyn what happened.but i waited a few seconds before i decided to go out. i was afraid that the crooks would be waiting in front of the house. but since i thought that there was no way to go from back of the house to the front except through the bubong, i ran outside and called the homeowner' asso. president (teroy). i told him someone's trying to break in and he called the barangay outpost.
after a few minutes, he told me what the barangay told him. they said it was useless to come over since i scared the burglars away. it would be better to go back to sleep now and report the incident (file a blotter) when day breaks. then i read kuya's text message - that we should go out and ask help from the neighbors.
although i was hesitant, i cannot think of anything better to do than follow what the barangay told teroy. what i really wanted was to make them come over and check the back. i went in and up the loft to off the fan. i thought i'd sleep with nanay. i had barely stepped two ladders down when there was another crash. i ran and saw that my pingganan was all over the floor. my plates and glasses and mugs were broken. this time i was afraid and angry that i shouted. i called for teroy and told him that they had come back. nanay kept on crying so i held her and we went out.
i was heard four houses away and my neighbors came out. i was so hysterical and nanay kept on crying. i texted kuya that the burglars came back. teroy called the barangay again and this time they came with the barangay police carrying arms. (at this time kuya texted back that they are on their way) they went in and took a look. then teroy requested they go round at the back. the back of our house cannot be accessed through the subdivision, they have to go out of the subdivision. the back of the row of houses does not belong to the developer who built our houses.
when they were there, i heard a shot. they told me later that it was just a warning shot. then i was requested to go to the barangay to file a blotter. i went alone since the barangay police after checking the back did not came back.
i road a tricycle to the barangay which was located so far away. i don't know how many minutes passed before we reached the place. upon reaching the hall, i knocked. i thought it was the wrong hall because there was only one person in that place, and i just woke him up. then a few minutes, the barangay police arrived. the same people who came to the subdivision. as i was giving my statement, teroy called and asked us to go back because the burglar came back. (while i was giving my statement, nanay texted me that kuya rollo is already there.) the barangay officials seem hesitant and was unbelieving. how could they come back? they asked among themselves. we already gave a warning shot? i texted teroy to call again and explain. he did call again.
after they took my statement, they told me to go to the police to ask assistance. the barangay police would go back. at the police station, there was only one police manning (excuse me for the gender insensitive term) the station. he told me could not leave the station but took my statement. he explained that there were only 3 police officers in that precint and all of them are dispatched because there was a reported shoot out in buhay na tubig and they are there. but in case i really needed the police and the barangay police can not handle it, i could call him (he gave me his callcard and the direct line of the police station) and he would pull out his men and sent it to me.
when i arrived home, nanay, kuya rollo and marlyn were all outside. including our neighbors and the barangay police. i cried for the first time that day when i saw kuya. it was past 3 am in the morning.
that night, i couldn't sleep. the slightest noise would sent me up my feet. my heart beating fast. it has remained that way for 3 days. i texted my officemates and friends. some called and i told them the details. i badly needed people to talk to. my neighbors were all helpful.
kuya put up a temporary rehas in place of the broken louver. then he put some plywood up so we could not be seen from the outside. but we, nanay and i, are still restless. that night, kuya, marlyn and miggy slept over. they went home thursday night. kuya said he'll be back saturday and that we should not be afraid.
i texted auntie vicky and judy. i asked them to come over. i needed some moral support. they did come, and for the time that they were there my heartbeat was normal. but as soon as they left, i could feel my heartbeat running 100miles/second.
thursday night, i slept downstairs. i was afraid that the burglars would next target the ceiling. and i'm near the ceiling. or that they would come through the kitchen again and i couldn't run to nanay to get her out of the house. i couldn't sleep. at 430am, i fell asleep. then woke up at 5am. my alarm went off. then by 6am, nanay was already up and it was already light outside i decided to sleep. then, i heard my auntie's voice. i went down and was surprised to see that it was already 10am. i thought i just slept a few minutes. while they were there, everything seems fine. when they left, things got stressful again. i could already feel that my body is trembling. i thought this is not good. but no matter what relaxation technique i did, i could not make my body relax.
then at 5pm, judy, joy, macy and pj-joy's bf came over. they stayed up to 7pm. again, my heart was beating normally. i stopped shaking. but when they left, it all started again.
kuya texted that he will be back at night. and i was relieved. nanay and i waited for him outside. i couldn't stay inside the house. but outside, i kept on peeking inside. nanay and i were both restless. though we don't talk about it. when finally kuya arrived, it was almost 10pm. he slept downstairs and told me to go up. i thought i'd never sleep. i prayed the rosary. and asked for peace. the moment my head hit the pillow, i slept. i woke up at about past 7am. it was my first sleep after that incident.

gays and lesbians

one caller in a radio program i'm listening to gave this opinion - he thinks gays are better than lesbians because gays dominate the field of arts - so they say. they are in fashion, in hairdressing. while lesbians only try to copy males but they don't dominate in any field. in that sense, the caller said they are more productive. so the program host (DJ?) challenged the listeners to call and defend the lesbians.

the thing is, i don't think they should be glad they are being stereotyped in that role - hairdressers, fashion designers and the like. dominating one field does not mean they excel. some do, some don't. start counting how many of our gay sisters actually are a success in that field and how many of them are actually in that field. they say they dominate that industry but the truth is, they are being typecasted as hairdressers and parloristas. they flock to that industry because that's the only place this culture will tolerate them. let them try entering other fields and they would encounter resistance.

its not so much different from being female. women dominate the field related to or an extension of their "roles" as women such as teachers and nurses. although some women are breaking in fields that were male territories, such as military, engineering and the like - but men still dominate that field. how many female cadettes actually graduated from the army? because admit it or not, women are still limited by tradition and culture in entering non-traditional courses.

and so does, lesbians, gays, bisexual and transgenders.

there's one story of a friend who was not accepted in a job she applied for and the reason is, she's obviously and openly lesbian. but that is not to say she's not good in her field. and there's this one gay friend who was not accepted as a teacher because he was gay.

i hope that gay caller would soon realize that LGBTs have a common cause here. and that instead of comparing themselves with lesbians, they should be uniting with their sisters and pushing for reforms.

Nicole

nung nakaraang buwan, lumabas ang balita na bumaligtad daw si nicole. binabawi na daw nya ang kanyang statement na sya ay ni-rape. marami siguro ang nagalit. ewan ko lang. ang sukatan ko lang naman kung ano ang reaksyon ng karamihan ay ang aking ka-opisina. maraming koneksyon yun sa media eh.

pero sa totoo lang, ako man ay nagulat. nung sinabi sa akin na nasa U.S. na sya naisip kong, baka ex-deal ito. malamang, bumigay na si nicole sa pressure. bat nga hindi? ayon nga sa kanyang lead counsel, may offer ng settlement kay nicole nuon pa man.

PERO, pero, pero (but, but, but...) ayon na rin sa mga lawyer na naghandle ng case nya, walang binawi si nicole sa kanyang statement. kung alam lang ng sambayanan - ang inilabas na statement ni nicole ay walang pinagkaiba sa statement nya na binitiwan habang nililitis pa ang kaso. at kung susuriin pang mabuti, ang binitiwan nyang salita kung kamakailan ay mga lehitimong katanungan ng isang rape victim.

matapos ang ilang taon, ang ilang dekadang pakikibaka para sa karapatan ng kababaihan, nananatiling isang katotohanan ang paglapastangan sa mga kababaihan. at isang katotohanan pa rin na ang tendensya ng publiko na ang mga biktima ang sisihin sa mga kalapastanganang ito.

getting over an abusive relationship, part 1

How do one get out of an abusive relationship?

Learn to love oneself. I could go on and on about you’re rights – like you have the right to be whatever you want to be, to be free from abuse, you’re right to dignity as a human being, etc. etc…but the bottom line is: do you see yourself as someone worth loving? Do you see yourself as someone worth something? Or do you see your worth through someone else’s eyes?

Do you need another person to give meaning to your life? Then you will always be going back to the same relationship over and over again. You may not be going back to the same person, but it will always be the same relationship.

Breaking up from a cycle of violence is not easy. When the nights get cold and the days gets lonely it is doubly hard to resist the sweet calling of being one again with someone. And there goes the problem. You are whole by yourself, not half of someone else.

What do I mean being happy with myself? That I can be happy without depending on other people to make me happy. I once read – happiness is a choice. This may not be true all of the time, especially when there’s a compelling reason to be sad. Like being in an accident or losing one’s job or losing one’s loved ones (yep. Being happy by yourself does not mean you don’t have to love someone else aside from yourself) and having no money when you are in dire need of one (like being sick and no money to buy medicine). But whole people don’t wallow in sadness for the longest time. They don’t blame others for their sadness. They go on living and finding solutions to their problems and not finger pointing other people as the cause of their miseries. (But some miserable people DO try making other people as miserable as they are-but this is another topic)

Going back to severing yourself from an abusive relationship. Every body commits mistakes. If you made one, be ready to admit it and then get on with your life. NO, not with the abuser. Get on with your life apart from the abusive relationship. You are whole and you can be happy on your own.

Then after realizing that, you can now take the next steps. Finding help. Where to go and what to do.