and i have to add another to my list of probabilities...

i still have yet to make any progress with any of my two prospects at ito namomrospect na naman ako. ika nga, the more the merrier.

i guess that goes the same for career paths and life time goals. mahirap ang sabay-sabay kasi kalat-kalat ang effort. it's either you give more to one and neglect the other. in my case, i haven't been doing any real effort. you know, i just kinda wait for them to come to me. as if they will...

i'm such a sucker for women in distress... parang this has happened before. women in bad relationships, coming to me for comfort, me falling for them, and them falling for somebody else. shyeeet... parang tema sa isang pelikula ito ah?! dapat gumawa na ko ng book - the cycle of falling for fallen women. ngyeh! tama ba yun? in the tradition of the cycle of violence. hmmm....

development? i think it was.. until i learned that there's somebody else hovering over the apple of my eyes... ay nakow! will this ever end? lagi na lang may karibal. si aaliyah kaya? well for one, tinigilan na ko ng friends niya ng kaka match making. and i've learned that she's not that young naman pala.

o my gosh!!! ang gulo ko talaga... i was going through my past posts, and there it was - i was vacilating between apple and aaliyah... well, kasi sobrang attractive nitong si aaliyah and i thought she's too young for me. until i learned the trutch. or at least half of it. hehehe... so bumaling ako kay apple. which was my first choice talaga. kaso... there's this other girl... eh ayoko ng ganun. ewan ko!

if she's interested then i'm not (tsaring!) - what i really want to do is fight her nail and tooth. oh! sorry, let me give that girl a name. how about bella? as in bella flores? kasi kontrabida siya sa lovelife ko. sabunutan ko kaya? she is so mean... why do i say so? kasi she knows how i feel and she drops hints that they (apple and she) are cozy like you know, intimate. she did not say it straight but that's just how i read things are between them whenever she opens her mouth.

but... and here is the big BUT... i maybe putting too much into her words and action that is not really there. baka ako lang naman ang nag i interpret ng mga ito. knowing me - i'm such a drama queen. pinalalaki what is not really there. like i create my own monsters.

ei! in defense of me -- 90 percent of the time my intuition or gut feel is right. kawawa naman ako, ako na ang nag ko cross exam sa sarili ko, ako rin ang nagde defend... i hope there's someone out there who will defend me. there is... and she IS out there. miss her na. tagal naman niyang bumalik...

will i wait for a lifetime for apple to notice me? or should i go for aaliyah who seems also interested? i may not be reading this right... but i think apple is also interested. i just don't know if its the romantic kind of interest or she's just in need of another friend. as if she doesn't have tons already...

serendipity... i believe that there will come a time that that things will happen and when it does, it will be at a time when i'm really sure of how i feel. or maybe not... maybe something will happen that will make me realize just how i feel for both of them. isa lang talaga dapat. mukhang easy target si aaliyah... si apple hard to get... i think i'm being unfair to aaliyah... i should not think that way about her. just because she's lonely eh easy target na? ang bad ko... if i'm ever going after her, it's goodbye apple forever...

naka alis na rin ako sa letseng bahay na iyon. here i am again, ranting and raving about something that i just can't do anything about. ito yung other side of self-pity - sour graping. so i think i should just drop it and go on with my life.

is there something new brewing? yep! it's my imaginary lovelife and social life. o di ba? me love na me social pa?

so what's new with me life - i moved out of hellhouse and moved in with... i haven't got a name for it yet. in a month maybe... i don't think it'll be anywhere near hellhouse. hirap talaga ng hindi nagkakaintindihan at super supressed and repressed people. kung ano-ano ang nakikita sa iba, hindi tignan ang mga sarili.

stop! sour graping lang naman ako eh... diba sabi ko move on?

so i did moved on. literally, lumipat na ko ng bahay. although i have to go back and pick up a few things i left there pa. isn't that exciting? i'll be travelling from that far flung place to the office everyday of my life. or until that special girl of mine reciprocates the feelings and we moved in together. saan kaya kami titira? hehehe...

daming possibilities... then there's aaliyah (that's my pet name for her)- a new girl in town whose got the looks and the groove. ummm... but she doesn't measure up to my apple. pero, potential. in case pagulungin ako ni apple, me alternative. i'm not beeing an eel... just exploring the possibilities and probabilities. i don't want to be alone. who wants that? and every relationships need work. goes the same for working into a new relationship.

of course i still prefer apple. kaya nga apple of my eyes siya... sana mahalin din niya ko. as it goes, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang standing ko. pano, di ko pa rin naman tinatanong. in fairness sa akin... di ko rin naman pinopormahan si aaliyah noh! crush material but i'm not pursuing her... yet. until i get dumped by apple at least. or until i get to say how i feel... and i get dumped. hehehe... para kasing out of my league si apple - hard to reach. kaya hindi ako magkalakas ng loob magtapat. shyeet, ertop talaga!

oh well, a lot has taken place and i believe and feel that my life is taking on a new course for the better. i feel a new career move in my life, i feel a promotion... new friends, new love....new problems/challenges that will make me grow into a better person. naks! feeling optimistic talaga ako ngayon. is this what lack of sleep does? yung nawawala sa huwisyo ang tao at nag i illussion?

i think the rain stopped...i wonder why it's raining so early this month? it's still supposed to be summer. nope, not complaining... got my umbrella here. sana naman hindi siya masira agad kasi sobrang mahal niya no? as in 200 +.

yung barely breathing blog, dapat i delete na... la naman nagpo post dun eh. nakakainis lang.

my social life... me bago akong friends. though hindi pa naman kami ganun ka close. i miss my bestfriend kong bianing. one constant in my life... i hope she remains in my life for a long time pa. miss her na...

sa palagay mo, sino kaya yung nagpadala ng mail sa akin? ay oo, i remembered, yung taga noel101.

sobrang kilig ako kanina, kasi i got a message from somebody i really, really like. i mean a door was opened, i think...will she come in or will she just pass the door?

kanina, i'm feeling poetic. i'm kinda pathetic these past days kasi i can't compose my own poem. i used to do that - pro ngayon, nada. kaya ayun, panay ang copy and paste ko ng poems ng iba. sana maramdaman niya.

here comes the feelings again... fear. she may not be able to accept all the things i am.

ay naku! saka na nga makapag post pag wala nang istorbong ym. ang ingay eh.

napaka baduy ng pangalan ng blog ko. thinking aloud... parang meron nang ganitong name somewhere eh.

i'm on the brink of something new. it always is like this whenever it's time for a change. tamad na tamad akong bumangon. like nothing is ever exciting. i go to work dragging my feet. i don't feel the same zest as i used to. maybe it's the lull between working so hard and in a fast paced and then finding myself suddenly na mabagal ulit ang takbo ng buhay...

love comes in a most unexpected place. what's more, it not who you thought it would be. like last night, i was thinking of this girl i just met - i'd call her julia (pretty woman? get it?). i was like playing with the thought of her in my mind and fell asleep. woke up at 30 min. past 12 and she's still on my mind. can't go back to sleep so i lighted an incense that says it should put me to sleep. sleep i did. and woke up a feeling differently. is this just one of those passing things? i don't know, but the thought of her excites me.

o ayan, meron nang something exciting sa buhay ko. i think i'd better do something with my life. like what? i need to be fulfilled so that hindi lang siya panakip butas sa walang katorya-toryang buhay ko. parang lahat ng mga lalaking nagdaan sa buhay ko. mga panakip-butas. hehehe... well literally and figuratively - like they fill a hole when i've got nothing to do, when there seems to be nowhere to go and my life sucks. but when things pick-up, eh di goodbye.

now i'm thinking.. what can i offer her? i'd like for her to be the queen of my life. i need a job (or something) that would be the source of our living. ngyehh! i'm thinking of making her my wife. ano kaya tawag sa akin? i'm definitely not a butch... but when i think of her, all the tender feelings, like i want to feed her, protect her and love her comes to the fore.

not just another feeling i hope. not just one of those transcient things as all things have come to be in my life - friends, lovers, jobs, interests and the like. am i glad i did not go into any relationships before i met her. now, what next? should i just wait in vain and let serendipity take place? hindeeee...pag nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon i will let her know. that is - kung... and eto ang fate/destiny/serendipity's role. will there be a chance on earth that we will see each other again? or that maybe that chance we could work together? work... yes work. there is nothing else i could think of that could better let me know another than work. compatibility sa attitude sa work is one important thing/value for me. yoko ng tamad.

ang gulo ko. one moment i was ecstatic sa development about somebody who i've been eyeing for the longest time, then nakarinig lang ako ng balita about another person who caught my eye just recently - nagbago na naman ang ihip ng hangin. biglang wow! siya naman ang gusto ko. ang gulo ko...

kaya siguro wala pa kong syota hanggang ngayon. eh hirap naman kasi... i've been trying to catch her eyes, her interest for the longest time. eh sala sa init, sala sa lamig. di ko malaman if i'm making progress or not. i think she likes me too and then she doesn't. not that i asked her na... ang torpe ko! kainis. it's just that i can't think of anything to say when she's around. ang kulit ko naman pag iba ang kaharap ko.

i've been thinking, what if i go and ask her if she likes me? and then she goes like, yes but not romantically speaking - basag naman ako nun!

this other gal, she's pretty ha? the other is not...though sobrang appeal sa akin. this pretty gal, i just met. sort of... i hope she remembers me - pinakilala lang in passing. hindi naman niya ko tinitignan -- wala naman siyang dating katulad ni gerl no.1. then i got a good look at her when she's not looking (i mean stare-which she doesn't see kasi she's so spaced out), pretty pala siya. hindi lang pretty-i think she's gorgeously pretty. hindi lang nag ayos. then i heard she's in a relationship na. so wala lang, i'm still pinning for this gerl#1 naman. and then somebody told me she'd just came out of a relationship. wow! para kong nanalo sa sweepstakes. biglang natuwa ang puso ko. shyet. gulo ko talaga. sino ba talaga? and if i choose anyone of them, would they return the way i feel?

maybe not. and that's the chance i'm so afraid to take. yoko na ata mabasted. omigosh! omigosh! i think... well, i should think. maybe this holy week should give me the right perspective. what if... nah! i wanted to go to Bicol sana but they'll be staying there like forever. i can only stay for a night and then be a slave for 2 more days before i can retire for 5 days.