fearful to fearless...(naks!)

ilang minuto na lang at haharapin ko na ang aking fear - fear of being told i'm not going to graduate this school year. my auntie once told me, a year will pass whether you use it or not. o di ba? tama naman? kaya nag aral ako. and YEARS passed. as in, talaga namang years. at hanggang ngayon hanggang asa pa rin ako na makaka graduate. kahit na sabi ng aking curriculum sheet na may 1 na lang akong subject na kulang. hindi ko pa rin maalis sa isip ko: things will probably go wrong. yes, i am such an optimist! dapat nag ophthalmologist na lang ako. and if that don't make sense to you, don't ask me for any sense. because my fear in itself does not make sense. i can't help it. though i know that i should not let other people dictate how my life will go. i have to pursue whatever it is that i wanted to do and the hell with other people. thing is, i know that some people could make or break your efforts. for real. this is not out from some telenovela. some people do not know why they fail to get what they want. and i just realized recently that it really has something to do with how people in power could twist your fate so you end up losing. but i don't want those people meddling with my thoughts. that's the only thing that i could control. my thoughts, my emotions, my dream. if these people meddles with my goal, they could. but i know that i should not let that thought stop me.

reflection on a quote

Natuwa ako sa composition ko na ito, so I'm posting it here. This is actually one of my assignments in management. We were asked to reflect on the quote by Henry Miller. ============ Reflection on the quote: “The real leader has no need to lead, he is content to show the way” – Henry Miller The Light Bearer Henry Miller is a novelist and painter. As most painters and artists are, I think Mr. Miller is more of a right brain fellow, who thinks not in straight linear way but more on the artistic side, which sees the meaning of things on the intuitive and subjective manner. To illustrate my point, I would like to compare a left brain person with the right brain one. When shown a leaf, a left brain person would see a leaf and its parts – the vein, tip, blade, petiole and the like. Left brain people are more rationale and sees things the way it is. On the other hand, a right-brain person would see life, hope, and a vision of the future, a turning of a new leaf or chapter in one’s life. In other words, all that the leaf represents and not the leaf itself is what a right-brain person sees. What I am saying is that, Miller is not actually saying something different when he said that a leader is content to show the way. Because leading is actually not being at the forefront of everything – as most movies depicts heroes of war. They are actually the one at the background overseeing things and looking ahead, visualizing the impact of every move, anticipating actions and reactions. And because he is on the lookout, he is the one perfectly able to show which way to go. Leading is not in contradiction to showing the way. Sometimes, people tend to ignore or overlook what is actually under their noses. Precisely because it is near. The one who can better see it is someone looking at us. And that is what leaders are supposed to do, show us what we cannot see or comprehend by ourselves because we are so involve in it. Have you ever wondered why we could give proper advice to people in crises, but when we are the ones experiencing a crisis, we could not advise ourselves? I have a friend who is so rational and also artistic. She has faculty of both the right and left brain hemisphere. She could dissect any problem and suggest the best solution. She could see the big picture as well as plan the details. I could not. I could maybe see the big picture but not anticipate everything that needs to be done. But whenever she encounters emotional problems, she comes to me for advice and comfort. My friend and colleague who would always have a solution to any problem cannot solve her own, simply because she is involved in the problem. A leader shows the way because he/she sees where the kinks come from. Leading is actually showing the way and not being physically in front of everybody. Otherwise, he/she would not be able to see what and how his/her people are doing at the back. The leader stays at the back to serve as a guide. I remember one time when I was listening to the priest’s sermon, he asked the people, where should the light bearer be? The people answered in front. No, the priest said. The light bearer should stand at the back, holding the light above the heads of the people he is guiding. If he stands in front, the light would blind those who follow. The light bearer then should stand at the back so that the light would illuminate the path. So that people could see which way to go. Holding the light, the leader does not need to say which way to go because the people could already see it. The leader shows the way, by holding the light so that people would know where to go.

flashbacks

somebody once told me - bat ka ba mahilig magtanong ng mga walang kwentang bagay? siguro dahil wala akong kwentang tao at mahilig ako sa mga walang kwentang bagay. tulad ng bat kailangan magtiis kung pwede namang umalis? or bat nga ba kailangan ko pa tapusin ang kurso ko kung wala namang paggagamitan? or bat nga ba ganun ang tawag sa taong yun? eh bat nga ba? hindi naman siguro lahat maiintidihan ko. at hindi naman kailangan lahat intindihin ko. tulad ng bakit ang daming issues sa akin ng isang tao? ano ba problema niya? eh bat ko ba pakikialaman ang problema niya? ako na lang problemahin niya. buset! siguro yung tanong ko na walang kwenta, wala lang kwenta dun sa taong pinagtanungan ko. kumbaga, kebs sya kung ano man ang sagot dun. pero sa akin mahalaga yun. o baka dapat wag ko na rin pahalagahan para wag ko na rin itanong sa sarili ko, in the end, naitatanong ko pa sa ere at ang makasagap iisipin na kung ano-ano ang tinatanong o iniisip ko na walang wenta. ano ba? alam ba nila lahat ng pinagdadaanan ko? xempre hindi. bat ko ba tinatanong pa yun. walang kwenta.

can't get no motivation!

what the heck. i have been trying to motivate myself since yesterday. and i can't find it in me to get my brains ticking. i get stuck with looking for the right words, with getting the gist of what the people are talking about (what the heck are you trying to say!) and fighting off sleepiness due to boredom. ye, i'm doing the minutes of meeting. inaantok na naman ako, iniisip ko pa lang balikan yung minutes. haay...sumabay pa ang tyan ko. motivate yourself. set goal/s. goal is to finish the meeting minutes and read 100+ pages of report and condense it into 3 pages. so where's the motivation in there?