here once again...missing someone whom i know probably is having the time of her life. having a new love interest and all. i can only think about how easy it is for her now. her ate is back, they have a yaya so she won't have to be bogged down by her baby sitting duties which were the main reason why we haven't been seeing each other much and even of some of our fights.

how easy it is for them now. wala nang barriers. wala nang going home early or quick meetings because she has to run home to the children. well...only thing is they're a million miles away. and that's the only thing. no big deal? LDR is not my cup of tea, so it is a big deal if i'm in that situation. are they seriously in love? i don't know. and i guess i should stop thinking about them and get my own life.

so please...somebody, tell it to me - get a life. i need a life of my own. i don't want to stay forever tied to the past. bat ba ayokong pakawalan yung walang kwentang babaeng yun? oooppsss... i never did say that, it was she who is always telling me...wala naman akong kwentang tao eh. i wonder why she keeps telling me that? maybe she wants me to leave her and that is how she can get me to leave her. by instilling in my mind that she's walang kwenta.

but the more she says that, the more i cling on. why can't i just take her words and leave? meaning leave the memories where they belong - in the past. and leave her be with her current novelty item that is babalina. but she doesn't really believe that. why else would she seek another lover if she thinks she's unworthy? unless she thinks she's with ms. unworthy herself. so that makes two of them. maige nga para wala na silang masaktan pang iba.

or...maybe she's saying that because she believes i'm the one who's unworthy of her love. this one is a more logical explanation. wala akong kwentang girlfriend para sa kanya. she said so herself - wala akong sweetness, hindi ako maganda (in other words-pangit), hindi ako sexy (in other words - mataba) unlike her other exes...which by the way she left or left her.

so what am i doing now? i should be analyzing things so i can move on. here's my analysis why i can't move on...i'm a sucker for suckers like liza. she may be the greatest tita or cousin for her relatives. or maybe the greatest friend. but not to me - i'm her girlfriend whom she lowered her standards for. yep! the gf who doesn't deserve the sweet liza., the greatest lover ever who always is searching and looking at my face whenever we made love. why? searching for a clue if she's satisfying me. she does...but not quite the way she wants it. she wants me to be out of my mind with her lovemaking. well now i admit - she doesn't really blow my mind with her carefully studied and perfected love making. why? because i sense a lack of emotions/feelings in what she's doing. its just that - technic. she is so very technically efficient and effective in that arena...but she lacks the feelings i'm seeking.

i keep on digressing. going back to suckers like her. i don't deserve her. in her words - pinatulan na nga niya ako ayaw ko pa siyang sundin. ang mga pangit na katulad ko, dapat hindi mareklamo kasi minahal na nga ako ng tulad niya kaya dapat ako ay indebted. parang aso na inampon. utang ng loob ko pa pala na niligawan nya ko. kaya pala ang dami kong dapat baguhin sa sarili ko. mula ulo hanggang paa. di nga siguro niya ko talaga mahal. ika nga ni bakekang kay herman "pag may nagmahal pala sa iyo ng tunay, hindi na mahalaga ang itsura mo. sa iyo alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi ako magiging pangit" or something to that effect. and i realized something i knew all along. she never did truly love me. for if she did, she would love me for what i am. not for what i can be once she has overhauled me.

so why am i sticking it out? because she is so like my father. akala ko sa hetero lang yung oedipus complex (o electra complex ba yun?) pwede rin pala sa lesbian relationship. siguro kasi lalaki ang tingin nya sa sarili niya. at times, nagiging ganun na rin ang tingin ko. why is that? let me count the ways (this will really hurt).

one, my father has the knack of falling for with women who are intelligent, independent and financially capable. then when he gets them to fall for him, he impregnates them, bashes their confidence-making them believe that they are beneath him. that they are worthless rags to be stepped on. he makes them feel unworthy, helpless and most of all - stupid. the why's of his actions is beyond me. so i won't go there.

another thing is that he thinks he is entitled to slaves. at least that's how he looks at his women. at his beck and call. his whores, his maidservant and at times his milking cow. he expects his women to do all his bidding and yet be financially capable to support his whims. and this after making his women stay at home and leave work. duh? and when he's thru, he goes philandering - finding someone else to impregnate and do all these things to again. its a cycle.

liza thinks she's entitled to a maidservant herself. expecting me to fix her coffee, prepare her meals, wash the dishes and even wash her clothes. all things that housewives do. except that i'm the one who's working here. she said it herself: sanay akong binibigay na lang ang lahat sa kanya ng kanyang "wives". sanay siyang sinusuportahan at inaalagaan.

all these things said, i still miss her. i guess i really badly needed a shrink.

its time to go. got to meet friends for dinner and talk. but i just got to put this into words. i miss atz so much. its all been said before...i can't go on holding on to the past. i've got to let go and move on. i can't move on unless i let go.

i've been looking at our picture and i can't help but wish i could hold her in my arms once again. feel her body next to mine. i want to be able to embrace her and kiss her once again.

right now, i'm listening to the song "way back into love". the last movie i saw just after atz broke my heart. and all it does is remind me of her.

i miss her so much.

what is it that i'm going to post?
last night i was thinking of something someone said. she said, why don't you try out boys? just try it - who knows? you might like it. who said i haven't anyway?

the thought just struck me. if there is such thing as lesbian by choice. could there also be a het by choice? just a thought. and what made me think thoughts like that was what i saw when my brother passed away. one by one, my sisters and brothers in law came to the hospital. and each time each one of them realized that our brother is dead, there was their husbands comforting them. giving them a hug and offering their shoulders for my sisters to cry on. and i have just myself. and so i have to be strong, doubly strong because i have no shoulder to cry on.

and in the days that followed. i could see the strenght that my sisters' partners gave them (with the exception of one husband). and i thought...i wanted something like this. someone who is here to give me comfort in times like these. someone who would be there come hell and high water. not someone who will bow out the minute things becomes too hot to handle. someone who would stay and realize that deep inside, i just wanted someone to hold me and love me inspite/despite of whatever it is i'm going through - tantrums and the like.

but that's unfair isn't it? this is not to say that if my partner is lesbian, that i won't have her shoulder to cry on. its just this one partner that i have. now, i don't have. because apparently, she also needed someone to cry on. and i wasn't there for her. she also needed someone she could lean on - and i was somewhere else...actually, i was sick. and she didn't even bothered to call. to ask how am i doing. she did after i recuperated. and that is because she needed to be consoled. she was having "problems".

i guess what we needed was someone without the same set of problems that we have. we needed someone who is emotionally stable, who can have a high stress tolerance and someone who is willing to give and waits for nothing in return. not like us.

and so...may this be the beginning of a new turn in our lives. she has found someone (whom i wish she'd leave for another more dependable and emotionally stable, someone who will NOT kick a dead dog, or is it a defeated dog?). and sometime soon, may i also find mine. better i hope. better than this one. someone who would give me her love unconditionally - regardless of the freckles on my face.

alone once again. until when should i learn my lessons? have i not learned from my past relationship mistakes? how many was that...one. if i would not consider my heterosexual relationships. that quite ended differently. now let me count the ways:

guy no. 1 - was a short-lived romance. if there was romance at all. it was a relationship i got into for the sake of experience. good thing, i didn't go further than that. or i would have been soooorry. he was married. i was 16, he was 21 - or so he claimed. he doesn't look it though. much more like into the 30's. its the chlorine in the water he says. whatever. it was nothing serious. nevertheless, i was on the verge of holding on when i got hold of this psychology book. and i analyzed my yearnings (before i knew he was married, it was all blah). yeah, i learned that i am doing this to ruin my life so that my father's life gets ruined too. later i learned, he would just mop awhile and then go on his philandering ways.

guy no. 2 - and this guy was my first love. it started out simply and ended simply. but the fights in between are so emotionally charged. like sparks fly. he was my first - everything. my first love, my first kiss, my first experience. it was great. except that he's like my father who couldn't stay monogamous for so long. he has to go after every girl who catches his fancy. and then one day after two years in our relationship i just quit. yes, you guess right - he's been involved with yet another girl for the nth time.

guy no. 3 - it took me two years the most before i entered another relationship. this time i swore, the next guy would love me more than i love him. and so it happened. and so it ended. there's no sense continuing a relationship when you are not in love. although i would have accepted his friendship. that's all there is to it. he was a friend, a brother. but i could not see him as a lover. end.

guy no. 4 - another short-lived relationship. the courtship was longer than the relationship itself. i pursued this one. and when he fell, it was swell for a while. until circumstances separated us. he had some issues at home and his studies. he was supposed to take the board exam. and his parents thought he was reviewing for the exam. thing is, he was busy running in the streets and making banners for the student organization he was in. big trouble when the board exam results came out. he was not there. so back he went to the province. i tried to reason with him not to end the relationship. but he was not a big believer of LDR (long distance relationship). i cried my heart and eyes out for this guy and would you believe even left my work? well...not really for him. it was time to move on. but i think it was partly because of the break-up. i needed a diversion. a new job is a good one.

guy no. 5 - wait. guy no. 4 should be no. 5. hehehe... the real no. 4 i fell hard. see? i always fall hard or not at all. this one's the same story as the philandering guy. except that i am the third party here. and believe me, it was one messy love story. that ended with a pfft... i tried to talk to him, convince him that we can surpass all obstacel we're facing now. but he believes otherwise. so he went back to the first girl (not that he ever did leave her and believe me it was a one-of-a-kind love triangle wherein the first girl was in cohoots with us in our elicit relationship. the people who are against our relationships was the people outside our relationships. outside and yet matters most for this guy). and that didn't work out either and then he found another girl. would you believe, the bestfriend of his original girl. and that was the end of it. i was the laughing stock of my collegues - falling for a guy like that.

guy no. 6. followed guy no. 4 (oh no, no. 4 was actually no. 6? hehehe...) this one's the panakip butas. i was so downtrodden i did not stop to think. but this guy's really so sweet. he was willing to be a panakip-butas. he broke my heart with that. how can i be so cruel? he needs someone who will love him back the way i can't. he is a good catch i think. but as i say...i fall hard or not at all. why can't i just be in love with a friend? when we separated - i willed all good wishes to come his way.

guy no. 7 - is not a guy. its a girl...this one's the difficultest. looking back. i have to really look hard why my relationships failed. irene pablo - the much hated girl in my book, says i should look in the mirror and look hard at all my faults? although she said it differently - like look real hard at what you lack or maybe what you have in abundance. and what do i have in abundance? my pride. so does liza. she told me, she doesn't want to be told what to do because - mas lalong ayaw nyang gawin. sounds familiar? too familiar...almost like me. no...not almost, that is so me. i love her nevertheless. and wished that whatever our differences (or likeness) thats making us clash would be overcomed by what we feel. but that doesn't seem so. for now she found someone else. yes, maybe she'll be happy with that irene i hate so much. maybe i should move on. no. i SHOULD move on. no maybes. go on, with this wish - that they'd both experience heart break like i'm experiencing now. better with each other. and a devious plan keep on implanting itself on my brain. no...i don't want to be part of that. let them do it themselves to each other. amen.