what is it that i'm going to post?
last night i was thinking of something someone said. she said, why don't you try out boys? just try it - who knows? you might like it. who said i haven't anyway?

the thought just struck me. if there is such thing as lesbian by choice. could there also be a het by choice? just a thought. and what made me think thoughts like that was what i saw when my brother passed away. one by one, my sisters and brothers in law came to the hospital. and each time each one of them realized that our brother is dead, there was their husbands comforting them. giving them a hug and offering their shoulders for my sisters to cry on. and i have just myself. and so i have to be strong, doubly strong because i have no shoulder to cry on.

and in the days that followed. i could see the strenght that my sisters' partners gave them (with the exception of one husband). and i thought...i wanted something like this. someone who is here to give me comfort in times like these. someone who would be there come hell and high water. not someone who will bow out the minute things becomes too hot to handle. someone who would stay and realize that deep inside, i just wanted someone to hold me and love me inspite/despite of whatever it is i'm going through - tantrums and the like.

but that's unfair isn't it? this is not to say that if my partner is lesbian, that i won't have her shoulder to cry on. its just this one partner that i have. now, i don't have. because apparently, she also needed someone to cry on. and i wasn't there for her. she also needed someone she could lean on - and i was somewhere else...actually, i was sick. and she didn't even bothered to call. to ask how am i doing. she did after i recuperated. and that is because she needed to be consoled. she was having "problems".

i guess what we needed was someone without the same set of problems that we have. we needed someone who is emotionally stable, who can have a high stress tolerance and someone who is willing to give and waits for nothing in return. not like us.

and so...may this be the beginning of a new turn in our lives. she has found someone (whom i wish she'd leave for another more dependable and emotionally stable, someone who will NOT kick a dead dog, or is it a defeated dog?). and sometime soon, may i also find mine. better i hope. better than this one. someone who would give me her love unconditionally - regardless of the freckles on my face.