here once again...missing someone whom i know probably is having the time of her life. having a new love interest and all. i can only think about how easy it is for her now. her ate is back, they have a yaya so she won't have to be bogged down by her baby sitting duties which were the main reason why we haven't been seeing each other much and even of some of our fights.

how easy it is for them now. wala nang barriers. wala nang going home early or quick meetings because she has to run home to the children. well...only thing is they're a million miles away. and that's the only thing. no big deal? LDR is not my cup of tea, so it is a big deal if i'm in that situation. are they seriously in love? i don't know. and i guess i should stop thinking about them and get my own life.

so please...somebody, tell it to me - get a life. i need a life of my own. i don't want to stay forever tied to the past. bat ba ayokong pakawalan yung walang kwentang babaeng yun? oooppsss... i never did say that, it was she who is always telling me...wala naman akong kwentang tao eh. i wonder why she keeps telling me that? maybe she wants me to leave her and that is how she can get me to leave her. by instilling in my mind that she's walang kwenta.

but the more she says that, the more i cling on. why can't i just take her words and leave? meaning leave the memories where they belong - in the past. and leave her be with her current novelty item that is babalina. but she doesn't really believe that. why else would she seek another lover if she thinks she's unworthy? unless she thinks she's with ms. unworthy herself. so that makes two of them. maige nga para wala na silang masaktan pang iba.

or...maybe she's saying that because she believes i'm the one who's unworthy of her love. this one is a more logical explanation. wala akong kwentang girlfriend para sa kanya. she said so herself - wala akong sweetness, hindi ako maganda (in other words-pangit), hindi ako sexy (in other words - mataba) unlike her other exes...which by the way she left or left her.

so what am i doing now? i should be analyzing things so i can move on. here's my analysis why i can't move on...i'm a sucker for suckers like liza. she may be the greatest tita or cousin for her relatives. or maybe the greatest friend. but not to me - i'm her girlfriend whom she lowered her standards for. yep! the gf who doesn't deserve the sweet liza., the greatest lover ever who always is searching and looking at my face whenever we made love. why? searching for a clue if she's satisfying me. she does...but not quite the way she wants it. she wants me to be out of my mind with her lovemaking. well now i admit - she doesn't really blow my mind with her carefully studied and perfected love making. why? because i sense a lack of emotions/feelings in what she's doing. its just that - technic. she is so very technically efficient and effective in that arena...but she lacks the feelings i'm seeking.

i keep on digressing. going back to suckers like her. i don't deserve her. in her words - pinatulan na nga niya ako ayaw ko pa siyang sundin. ang mga pangit na katulad ko, dapat hindi mareklamo kasi minahal na nga ako ng tulad niya kaya dapat ako ay indebted. parang aso na inampon. utang ng loob ko pa pala na niligawan nya ko. kaya pala ang dami kong dapat baguhin sa sarili ko. mula ulo hanggang paa. di nga siguro niya ko talaga mahal. ika nga ni bakekang kay herman "pag may nagmahal pala sa iyo ng tunay, hindi na mahalaga ang itsura mo. sa iyo alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi ako magiging pangit" or something to that effect. and i realized something i knew all along. she never did truly love me. for if she did, she would love me for what i am. not for what i can be once she has overhauled me.

so why am i sticking it out? because she is so like my father. akala ko sa hetero lang yung oedipus complex (o electra complex ba yun?) pwede rin pala sa lesbian relationship. siguro kasi lalaki ang tingin nya sa sarili niya. at times, nagiging ganun na rin ang tingin ko. why is that? let me count the ways (this will really hurt).

one, my father has the knack of falling for with women who are intelligent, independent and financially capable. then when he gets them to fall for him, he impregnates them, bashes their confidence-making them believe that they are beneath him. that they are worthless rags to be stepped on. he makes them feel unworthy, helpless and most of all - stupid. the why's of his actions is beyond me. so i won't go there.

another thing is that he thinks he is entitled to slaves. at least that's how he looks at his women. at his beck and call. his whores, his maidservant and at times his milking cow. he expects his women to do all his bidding and yet be financially capable to support his whims. and this after making his women stay at home and leave work. duh? and when he's thru, he goes philandering - finding someone else to impregnate and do all these things to again. its a cycle.

liza thinks she's entitled to a maidservant herself. expecting me to fix her coffee, prepare her meals, wash the dishes and even wash her clothes. all things that housewives do. except that i'm the one who's working here. she said it herself: sanay akong binibigay na lang ang lahat sa kanya ng kanyang "wives". sanay siyang sinusuportahan at inaalagaan.

all these things said, i still miss her. i guess i really badly needed a shrink.