so now, what am i going to say? what do i have to say for myself and my big mouth?

i wished i hadn't said what i did. i wished i just kept my mouth shut and my feelings inside. i just let the feelings boil and simmer inside. would that be better? i think i wouldn't be alone now thinking, there they go. talking about me, bitchy, bratty me. bitchy, bratty, selfish, immature me.

how else would you call me? how would i know that that ugly bitch was the one who called the One and not the other way around? how would i know? i went ballistic without asking. i thought so the One called the UB and not me and that UB called me to say that the O cannot call me. what a hell of a misunderstanding. and me the misunderstood. and they are now patting each other's back (i hope that's the only place they get to pat) and talking about how lucky O to see that side of me before she gets too deep.

hell...now i have to go through this alone. good for them, maybe now O will realized how UB is so important in her life and can't live without her. so...ano kasunod? eh di sila na. I HOPE THAT NEVER, NEVER EVER HAPPENS. they would never ever end in each other's arms so that UB could just stop wishing for O. because she's mine. i just hope O realizes this before i get myself another butch. so there.

i'm back...though not really.. i wonder if being alone is better than being in-love? i wonder if living with and loving someone will compensate for the anguish, the pain, the hurt that being often accompany love. jealousy is one... i'm tired. don't want to talk about it, just want to get over and done with it.

hate this, this really sucks. i hate her to hell and hope she finds herself in my shoes...opppsss, i guess she just went through that. anyway, i wish she'd find herself thinking and wanting me so bad she can't sleep, she can't eat, can't do anything right and the hell with that giant bitch of a nuisance. hope and wish she gets out of her life. now, ain't that selfish? yes it is. and i know it.

okay, the bitch can stay in her life as long as she stays out of mine. and how i wish she'd go through hell of a pain listening to her bestfriend mop because she wanted me back.

self-affirmation..that's where i left off. and now that the holidays are over - its back to the grindstone for me, and just thinking of facing that bitch sends chill down my spine. oh yes! its easier said than done... i am afraid.

not really afraid i guess, but its giving me a lot of stress just thinking i'll be seeing her again and knowing that she'll be doing her darnest best to make my life a living hell... the hell, i could always tell her i'm busy.

napapraning na naman ako... it is really so difficult keeping one's cool... especially so because i'm not really cool...i'm ill tempered, hot headed, emotionally imbalanced bitch. and on top of that, i'm also vain. vain in a way that i guess that she-devil is also. so afraid of mistakes lest it mar my reputation. what reputation am i talking about?

i don't have any. i have to keep that in mind - i don't have any reputation to protect. the hell with those who think i'm dependable, reliable - if they think i'm not because of a mistake or two, then why should i bother with them.

but the problem is the boss... she doesn't think i'm that irresponsible or pabaya in my work. pero asar siya sa akin kaya ayan, tambak ang work. i really hate her. maybe because i wanted her to like me. ganun daw iyon di ba? because the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

i would like to remain indifferent to her abuses. i can only be affected by those emotional abuse if she's got a hold on me. and i have to cut that tie that binds me to her. i have to find it somewhere. i hope in my dreams i'll see.

it is times like this that i'm glad i did not accept any of her financial support that she wanted to give. e di lalo siyang nagkaroon ng hold sa akin. ano nga ba ang hold ng bitch na iyon sa akin? why do i worry so much kung asar siya sa akin? worry ko? di naman yun tambakan ako ng trabaho but her effort to prove that i'm incompetent. how? when i can't deliver on time the outputs she's demanding from me. but i can always tell her off. i can always say, i can't do all that in one day... i'lll have to prioritize.

now if she says i have to prioritize those calls she wanted me to take, then the letters have to take the back seat...in other words, something's got to give.

and all these things i wish i could say in her face... the problem with me is that i can't assert myself without being aggressive. without being angry first. why can't i assert like anybody else? i mean, like meyps who can say what she wants to say without being angry?

because i am not meyps. and she is not me. i have to accept the fact that what i am is what i am. i don't have to be somebody else. so, should i just let the steam out?