self-affirmation..that's where i left off. and now that the holidays are over - its back to the grindstone for me, and just thinking of facing that bitch sends chill down my spine. oh yes! its easier said than done... i am afraid.

not really afraid i guess, but its giving me a lot of stress just thinking i'll be seeing her again and knowing that she'll be doing her darnest best to make my life a living hell... the hell, i could always tell her i'm busy.

napapraning na naman ako... it is really so difficult keeping one's cool... especially so because i'm not really cool...i'm ill tempered, hot headed, emotionally imbalanced bitch. and on top of that, i'm also vain. vain in a way that i guess that she-devil is also. so afraid of mistakes lest it mar my reputation. what reputation am i talking about?

i don't have any. i have to keep that in mind - i don't have any reputation to protect. the hell with those who think i'm dependable, reliable - if they think i'm not because of a mistake or two, then why should i bother with them.

but the problem is the boss... she doesn't think i'm that irresponsible or pabaya in my work. pero asar siya sa akin kaya ayan, tambak ang work. i really hate her. maybe because i wanted her to like me. ganun daw iyon di ba? because the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

i would like to remain indifferent to her abuses. i can only be affected by those emotional abuse if she's got a hold on me. and i have to cut that tie that binds me to her. i have to find it somewhere. i hope in my dreams i'll see.

it is times like this that i'm glad i did not accept any of her financial support that she wanted to give. e di lalo siyang nagkaroon ng hold sa akin. ano nga ba ang hold ng bitch na iyon sa akin? why do i worry so much kung asar siya sa akin? worry ko? di naman yun tambakan ako ng trabaho but her effort to prove that i'm incompetent. how? when i can't deliver on time the outputs she's demanding from me. but i can always tell her off. i can always say, i can't do all that in one day... i'lll have to prioritize.

now if she says i have to prioritize those calls she wanted me to take, then the letters have to take the back seat...in other words, something's got to give.

and all these things i wish i could say in her face... the problem with me is that i can't assert myself without being aggressive. without being angry first. why can't i assert like anybody else? i mean, like meyps who can say what she wants to say without being angry?

because i am not meyps. and she is not me. i have to accept the fact that what i am is what i am. i don't have to be somebody else. so, should i just let the steam out?