its a wonder how self-affirmation does a lot of good...just this morning, me spill-over ng bad feelings from yesterday...yeah, its the boss again. how i hated her...and how she makes me feel. like i'm worthless and unworthy of her benevolence.

now, instead of ranting and raving, i tried affirming my value. of being responsible for myself. and blaming no one for what i do or who i am. and that felt good. it feels good to affirm that my life is in my hands. whatever i do or feel...i am responsible for it.

and all i want to do right now is rant and rave. but that is just not possible. in fact, i have to stop this and get down to work. in a little while, my boss will be here. in about 5-10 minutes i think.

i wanted to talk about yesterday... who i've met and how it felt. but i'm so groggy i'd probably be able to finish my story in four hours the least. i have to think real hard for words that usually glides out of my mind to my hands and on paper or PC. not now i guess...later. or maybe tomorrow.

again...yesterday. i got into deep waters with a friend. or should i say an ex-friend? why would still be friends when her parting words were: good riddance! why oh why should i waste a second of my time thinking of wasted friendships. if were really friends to begin with.

i don't want to make excuses... i've had my share in this quarrel. but i'm not about to go back or take back what i've already said. life sucks when you cut ties. but it sucks even more when you hold on to something that isn't there...like friendship. parang pakitang tao lang ang pakikipag kaibigan dun sa ungas na iyon. okay lang... someday i might have to eat my words, but for now, i really am not making any efforts towards reconciliation.

nakakapagod din namang maging kaibigan ang isang iyon.

its a wonder what a smile could do, a hand held out in absolute trust.

yesterday while i was walking, a little boy smiled and reached out for my arms. i don't know why he did that, only that he trusted me. it feels good to be trusted. it feels good to see innocence.

i reviewed my blog in my other account... doesn't seem to contain any malicious thoughts. i'm being paranoid again - i think the lord might have read it. i used her PC when I checked my mails, must have left it open. but i am quite sure i logged off before i left. but did i? i did, i did... so why the ever haba nguso? its been what... 3 days since that eventful day when the lord asked for a miracle. i'm just a mortal. and mortal as i am, i have feelings too. what? don't i have the right to feel this way? that bitch.

this ever growing feeling of antagonism and hostility is killing me. i need to get out. out of here.