alone once again. until when should i learn my lessons? have i not learned from my past relationship mistakes? how many was that...one. if i would not consider my heterosexual relationships. that quite ended differently. now let me count the ways:

guy no. 1 - was a short-lived romance. if there was romance at all. it was a relationship i got into for the sake of experience. good thing, i didn't go further than that. or i would have been soooorry. he was married. i was 16, he was 21 - or so he claimed. he doesn't look it though. much more like into the 30's. its the chlorine in the water he says. whatever. it was nothing serious. nevertheless, i was on the verge of holding on when i got hold of this psychology book. and i analyzed my yearnings (before i knew he was married, it was all blah). yeah, i learned that i am doing this to ruin my life so that my father's life gets ruined too. later i learned, he would just mop awhile and then go on his philandering ways.

guy no. 2 - and this guy was my first love. it started out simply and ended simply. but the fights in between are so emotionally charged. like sparks fly. he was my first - everything. my first love, my first kiss, my first experience. it was great. except that he's like my father who couldn't stay monogamous for so long. he has to go after every girl who catches his fancy. and then one day after two years in our relationship i just quit. yes, you guess right - he's been involved with yet another girl for the nth time.

guy no. 3 - it took me two years the most before i entered another relationship. this time i swore, the next guy would love me more than i love him. and so it happened. and so it ended. there's no sense continuing a relationship when you are not in love. although i would have accepted his friendship. that's all there is to it. he was a friend, a brother. but i could not see him as a lover. end.

guy no. 4 - another short-lived relationship. the courtship was longer than the relationship itself. i pursued this one. and when he fell, it was swell for a while. until circumstances separated us. he had some issues at home and his studies. he was supposed to take the board exam. and his parents thought he was reviewing for the exam. thing is, he was busy running in the streets and making banners for the student organization he was in. big trouble when the board exam results came out. he was not there. so back he went to the province. i tried to reason with him not to end the relationship. but he was not a big believer of LDR (long distance relationship). i cried my heart and eyes out for this guy and would you believe even left my work? well...not really for him. it was time to move on. but i think it was partly because of the break-up. i needed a diversion. a new job is a good one.

guy no. 5 - wait. guy no. 4 should be no. 5. hehehe... the real no. 4 i fell hard. see? i always fall hard or not at all. this one's the same story as the philandering guy. except that i am the third party here. and believe me, it was one messy love story. that ended with a pfft... i tried to talk to him, convince him that we can surpass all obstacel we're facing now. but he believes otherwise. so he went back to the first girl (not that he ever did leave her and believe me it was a one-of-a-kind love triangle wherein the first girl was in cohoots with us in our elicit relationship. the people who are against our relationships was the people outside our relationships. outside and yet matters most for this guy). and that didn't work out either and then he found another girl. would you believe, the bestfriend of his original girl. and that was the end of it. i was the laughing stock of my collegues - falling for a guy like that.

guy no. 6. followed guy no. 4 (oh no, no. 4 was actually no. 6? hehehe...) this one's the panakip butas. i was so downtrodden i did not stop to think. but this guy's really so sweet. he was willing to be a panakip-butas. he broke my heart with that. how can i be so cruel? he needs someone who will love him back the way i can't. he is a good catch i think. but as i say...i fall hard or not at all. why can't i just be in love with a friend? when we separated - i willed all good wishes to come his way.

guy no. 7 - is not a guy. its a girl...this one's the difficultest. looking back. i have to really look hard why my relationships failed. irene pablo - the much hated girl in my book, says i should look in the mirror and look hard at all my faults? although she said it differently - like look real hard at what you lack or maybe what you have in abundance. and what do i have in abundance? my pride. so does liza. she told me, she doesn't want to be told what to do because - mas lalong ayaw nyang gawin. sounds familiar? too familiar...almost like me. no...not almost, that is so me. i love her nevertheless. and wished that whatever our differences (or likeness) thats making us clash would be overcomed by what we feel. but that doesn't seem so. for now she found someone else. yes, maybe she'll be happy with that irene i hate so much. maybe i should move on. no. i SHOULD move on. no maybes. go on, with this wish - that they'd both experience heart break like i'm experiencing now. better with each other. and a devious plan keep on implanting itself on my brain. no...i don't want to be part of that. let them do it themselves to each other. amen.